Ever heard of the term “love-bombing”? Love-bombing can take place at the beginning of a romantic relationship and is often mistaken for real love. Love-bombing can take the form of wanting to spend a great deal of time together, making flattering comments, and extravagantly giving gifts. These can also be an indication of genuine love. However, when they become excessive, they might actually be big red flags indicating you are dating a controller, or maybe even a narcissist. These behaviors might be a means of emotional manipulation by a controller or a narcissist, in order to obtain dominance. After the relationship has been cemented, the person who dated the controller or narcissist will see a drastic change in behavior. It will become evident that what was thought to be genuine love was actually deceptive behavior concealing a desire to abusively control. Not all controllers are narcissists, but all narcissists are controllers.

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Narcissism has become a very popular topic these days. Where did the word “narcissism” come from? According to Britannica.com, it came from a mythological character named Narcissus, “who fell in love with his own reflection.” Psychologists say that some have a narcissistic personality type, while others have a narcissistic personality disorder. Apparently, the disorder is believed to be more extreme.

Narcissistic abuse isn’t restricted to romantic relationships. You could be emotionally abused by a friend, a family member, an employer, or a co-worker. There seems to be some uncertainty about what causes a person to become a narcissist and about the classifications and types of narcissists, but there seems to be great agreement and certainty about their behaviors.

Once you look up videos speaking of narcissism on a smart phone, myriads of other videos addressing narcissism will probably begin popping up on your phone. Perhaps the most popular psychologist who specializes in the subject of narcissism is Dr. Ramani Durvasula, better known as simply “Dr. Ramani.” Like some of the other psychologists specializing in narcissistic abuse, she understands it all too well. She herself was a victim of narcissistic emotional abuse.

What does narcissistic abuse look like?

You can learn a lot about the common behaviors of narcissists by listening to Dr. Ramani and others. Here are some of the behaviors you can learn about:

• Lack of empathy (the biggest, most common indicator)
• Trying to make others look bad
• Dismissing feelings, opinions, and needs of others
• Interrupting to talk about themselves
• A need to be the center of attention
• Lying
• Impatience
• Needing admiration
• Playing the victim
• Being argumentative
• Needing to always be right
• An “inability” to genuinely apologize
• Needing to always be superior
• Refusing to see that they could be the problem
• Gaslighting (making you doubt reality)
• Anger over small things (expressed passively or aggressively)
• Rules for others but not for themselves
• Appearing to be immature
• Loving to give criticism, but not willing to accept it

There is a well-established Christian organization called Abuse Recovery Ministry & Services (called “ARMS” for short). They provide helpful resources for victims of abuse. One resource important to consider is a chart showing basic categories of abusive behavior entitled “Eight Types of Abuse.”

What are the challenges of being associated with a narcissist?

One term you need to understand, in order to understand narcissism, is the term “narcissistic supply.” In the video, Dr. Ramani explains that narcissists have certain things they think they must get from other people. They feel they must have validation through admiration, recognition, gratitude, attention, adoration, etc. She explains that all narcissists need a particular person, a person very close to them, to be their main source of supply. That person close to them can become nothing more than a source of supply for the things the narcissist feels he or she needs. Although Dr. Ramani lists buying extravagant things or posting impressive things on social media as examples of other ways narcissists can attempt to get “supply,” I think other sources of supply used will depend on the narcissist’s personality.

Dr. Ramani also explains that narcissists need conflict with the person who is their main source of supply. It allows them to bully, to portray themselves as a victim, and to share their perpetual discontent and tension with someone else. It’s all part of their validation. You can hear the dynamic Dr. Ramani’s clear explanation of supply for yourself in a 26-minute video called “What is ‘narcissistic supply’?”

“Baiting” is one of the biggest challenges of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Their need for conflict with their main source of supply causes them to bait that person into arguments. It’s next to impossible to win an argument with a narcissist. They use neither reason nor empathy. There are lots of videos on how to handle arguments with a narcissist. There are some carefully-worded responses that can be used. Though I don’t know the validity of everything on their website, the verywellmind.com website has some suggested responses to a narcissist that I think may be helpful in an article called “Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist.”

Sometimes the safest thing to do to avoid being constantly baited is to disengage emotionally. There is a term called “Yellow Rocking,” wherein you try to only communicate briefly and only on minor, non-emotional issues, but throw in a few niceties. “Grey Rocking” goes a step further to try to be as disinterested, boring, and as disengaged as possible. It isn’t a long-term solution, but it can provide some periods of repose for the real victim, that is, the main supply person. If the narcissist has a strong negative reaction, this tactic should be dropped. You can get a fuller perspective of the Grey Rocking tactic in the “ARMS” article called “Is Grey Rocking Biblical?”

A very discouraging part of a narcissistic relationship is that often those in the outside world are deceived by the narcissist’s attempts to garner admiration through the skillful use of charm, kindness, generosity, and helpfulness. These are qualities rarely seen by the person who is their main source of “supply.” They may see them when the narcissist needs to manipulate them and temporarily reverts to love-bombing. After seeing the narcissist’s flip-flops over and over, the victim is likely to recognize the love-bombing as phony behavior.  The main supply person is left feeling depressed, controlled, and frustrated, while others may tell them how lucky they are to have that person in their life.

A big frustration of having a relationship with a narcissist is what is known as “flying monkeys.” This term originated from The Wizard of Oz. In that story, the Wicked Witch of the West utilized flying monkeys to accomplish her ends. Narcissists use people that they and their main supply person both know, attempting to brainwash the others into thinking the main supply person is a terrible person and that they are a victim. The flying monkeys then assist the narcissist in the persecution they so delight in. At the very least, the flying monkeys will probably be somewhat cold to the supply source person, believing that they are a despicable person. The narcissist has no problem with exaggerating, leaving out pertinent facts, or outright lying to make the supply person look bad. It is important for the victim to realize that attempts to explain the real situation to flying monkeys will backfire. Instead, the victim should build relationships with persons outside the scope of the narcissist.

There is a well-respected, now-retired Christian psychologist by the name of Dr. Les Carter who has many online videos addressing narcissism. If you would like to hear Dr. Carter’s advice about opting out of being someone’s flying monkey, you could watch Dr. Carter’s 11-minute video entitled “No to the Narcissist, Yes to Yourself”

Of course, the narcissist’s victim (main supply person) is human and therefore not perfect. However, the victim is usually attempting to work toward a happy, fulfilling relationship. Meanwhile, the narcissist is doing things destructive to the relationship. A counselor named Danish Bashir says that there are instances where two narcissists marry. As Danish puts it, it is “a match made in hell.” He states that there will be a power struggle until one gains dominance. The relationship will be filled with intense animosity. Danish reveals that he suffered being a child beneath that sort of parental relationship.

What can a victim of narcissism do?

It’s very important for a victim of narcissistic abuse to set boundaries and stick to them. Victims might not be able to control what the narcissist does, but they can control what they themselves will accept. Setting boundaries can be dangerous, and safety planning may be needed. The “ARMS” website has recommendations on a resource page called “Safety Plan.”

Psychologists seem to be in agreement that it’s extremely rare that a narcissist will ever change. The reason doesn’t seem clear. A hardened heart and thinking their behavior is the best option for getting what they think they need are possible reasons.

• If the narcissist is a family member the victim doesn’t live with, they can try to minimize contact.
• If it’s an employer or fellow employee, they could look for another job if it becomes necessary.
• If they’re dating or engaged to a narcissist, they can break up.
• If they’re married to a narcissist, the solution isn’t so easy. Married with children is even more complicated.
• Safety, however, is very important. If one is not fully safe to take any of the actions above, they should always consult with a professional before making plans.

If married to a narcissist, going to counseling together is likely to be fruitless. The narcissist will do their best to be charming and try to convince the counselor that they are the victim. A counselor trained in narcissism will probably see through it, but one untrained in that field may easily fall for it. The real victim will end up more frustrated than ever. This can also be a big problem in divorce proceedings. “ARMS” has a list of counselors and coaches who are well-trained in abuse.

What does the Bible have to say about it?

Christian believers who look to the Bible as their guide for life want to know just what the Bible says about the subject of narcissism. Like the word “trinity,” the word “narcissism” doesn’t appear in the Bible. But there are some passages in the Bible that seem to apply to behavioral traits of narcissists. Below are some of the verses that might be applied to narcissistic behavior:

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.”—Proverbs 9:7-8

“A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not respond to rebukes.” –Proverbs 13:1

“Mockers resent correction, so they avoid the wise.”—Proverbs 15:12

“The proud and arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name—behaves with insolent fury.”—Proverbs 21:24

“Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.”—Proverbs 22:10

“The schemes of folly are sin, and the people detest a mocker.”—Proverbs 24:9

“Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger.”—Proverbs 29:8

Reasons psychologists give for someone becoming a narcissist are either being treated as too special or being neglected as a child, being raised by a narcissist, or having a natural propensity for it. However, the Bible portrays the traits of a narcissist as sin. I believe Satan has deceived narcissists into believing that the wrongful ways they have chosen are the best solution for their lives. There is a Christian-certified counselor named Shaneen Megji who has many online videos. Shaneen provides a plan for praying for God to work in the life of the narcissist. You could hear her plan by watching a 15-minute video called “How to Pray for a Narcissist.”

The Bible only gives two clear reasons for divorce to be acceptable in God’s eyes. One is if your partner is unfaithful sexually, and the other is if your partner is an unbeliever and wishes to split. I have heard one online counselor give I Corinthians 5:11 and II Timothy 3:1-7 as biblical justification for divorce. I Corinthians 5:11 says: “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” Exodus 21:10-11 indicates that a woman can leave a marriage if not given food and clothing or is refused sexual relations. (Some versions interpret it as “marital rights” rather than “sexual relations.”) Determining whether or not these Scriptures are justification for separation or divorce would require a thorough study of the context, lots of prayer, and a wide source of counsel. It seems some pastors believe physical or emotional abuse is an obvious justification for divorce, while others might recommend separation but not divorce. Leaving a narcissist can be dangerous, in some cases. In any event, it would require careful financial and other planning in advance. (That’s another reason to consider the “ARMS” Safety Plan resource page.)

Developing Awareness

Having grown up in a loving home and having lived a somewhat sheltered Christian life early on, I didn’t realize that I might have to deal with people like this in the real world someday. Looking back, I think there were some people I knew who may have been somewhat narcissistic, but I didn’t have enough consistent contact to be personally affected by it. I didn’t realize how common it might really be, so I didn’t hone my skills in detecting it. (According to an article on medium.com, the “Journal of Clinical Psychology” published a study saying that about 16% of the population, or about 1 in 6, shows “significant traits” of narcissism.)

I wish I had been more aware of the presence of narcissists earlier in life. On the other hand, people who grow up with such a person can grow up thinking it’s normal. If you are young, it’s important to learn to recognize narcissists. If you are older and have children, I believe it would be wise to teach your children how to recognize narcissists.

If you or someone you know needs help for abuse, remember that you can find help by consulting the “ARMS” faith-based organization for resources and programming. You will find many resources on the resource page of their website, abuserecovery.org.

It is said that the best way to recognize counterfeit money is to study legitimate money. I Corinthians 13:4-6 reminds us of what genuine love should look like. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

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Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV “ and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.TM