What could be more important when considering becoming someone’s spouse than making surethat person is genuine and is capable of having a truly loving relationship? If you are considering a serious relationship, I’m sure you don’t want to find out too late that you have invested your whole life into someone who will never have your best interests at heart. If you’re a caring parent or maybe even just a caring friend of a person entertaining a serious relationship, you certainly don’t want to see that person make a huge mistake. The minutes invested in reading this article could be a crucial investment in your life or someone else’s.
Estimated Reading Time – 15 minutes
In a previous article called “When Love Isn’t Really Love,” I discussed the characteristics of a narcissist and the dangerous deceptions they use when pursuing a spouse. Obviously, the best way to avoid the painful consequences of being married to a narcissist is to avoid getting
involved in the first place. That’s why I decided to write this “sequel” article, to make it easier for someone to try to determine whether a relationship has the possibility of being a healthy one.
Some details will be reinforcement of my previous article, but the structure of this article should make it easier to test a relationship.
In my previous article I referred to ways to make sure you keep yourself safe from physical harm if you have already become rather deeply involved with a narcissist. That is very important. Sometimes narcissists will go past mental and emotional harm and move to physical harm.
I once read a book entitled Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts by Stephen T. McCrea. It did provide some valuable help for seeing “early warning signs,” but it contained quite a bit of foul language by survivors of abuse. I discovered an article on the fodmapeveryday.com website with some great tips for helping to determine whether a new potential relationship is a safe one—mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s called “15 Ways to Make a Narcissist Reveal Their True Nature.” I will briefly paraphrase each of the suggested tests and sometimes insert my own ideas for potential scenarios where the suggested tests could be applied. Hopefully, if you or someone you care about are considering a new relationship, you will find these tips a helpful safeguard. Below are the suggested tests that you could use or that you could tell your child or friend they could use, to help to look for red flags.
Photo by Hanna Lazar on Unsplash
1 – The Boundary Test
Think of a boundary you could set. For example, they might ask you to attend a wedding with them on Saturday afternoon. You could insist on keeping a promise to a friend to go to a movie that day. If they try to give you a “guilt trip” or devalue your wishes instead of accepting your “no,” that is a bad sign.
#2 – The Differing Opinion Test
Express the fact that you disagree with their opinion on something. For instance, they might say that they believe that people should be able to vote at age 18. You casually disagree, saying you believe age 21 is a better choice because of an article you read. A narcissist may attempt to make you appear less intelligent than they are, put your source into question, or change the subject if they can’t make a clear “win.” Inability to exchange ideas respectfully is a bad indicator.
#3 – The Need for Praise Test
If they brag about something, don’t give excessive admiration. Instead, just give a minor recognition. If they “fish for compliments,” increase their bragging, devalue your accomplishments, or appear anxious or depressed, this is another red flag.
#4 – The Declaration of Your Success Test
If you let them know that you got a good review and a raise at work, a narcissist may come up with an accomplishment of theirs that they promote as being bigger, minimize your accomplishment, or make an insulting remark about it. For instance, they might say, “It’s a pretty
simple job, so you should be able to handle it.” If they can’t just be happy for you, that’s not a good sign.
#5 – The Gentle Criticism Test
You might gently criticize a comment they made to a waiter or waitress. If they become defensive, deny the way they said it, or shift the blame on you somehow, that’s a very bad sign. A narcissist is unable to accept the fact that they, like every other human being, make mistakes and have flaws. The article states that this test is likely to insight the most intense reaction in a narcissist.
#6 – The Behavior When Losing Test
Perhaps you can go on a miniature golf or bowling date, play a card game with friends, or play a game of softball at a family reunion. If so, you can observe what happens if they lose. A narcissist may blame the setting, the rules, teammates, referees, or distractions. They may declare that it’s a ridiculous game anyway. They might even fly into a rage. Some will simply refuse to play any competitive games for fear of losing.
#7 – The Kind Act with No Audience Test
Perhaps you need some help moving furniture to do some painting. There will be no one there to see their “great sacrifice.” A narcissist might make an excuse for why they can’t do it. If they do it, they will probably make sure other people hear about it so they can squeeze as much admiration as possible out of it. (In the early phase of your relationship, a narcissist may do it just to impress you with what a great catch they are. In that case, you could observe whether they help other people when there is no admiration to be gained. Do they help a parent without drawing any attention to it?)
#8 – The Revealing of Your Vulnerability Test
The Fodmap article suggests that perhaps you have to give a presentation at work and you reveal that you are very nervous about it. A narcissist won’t encourage or console you. Instead, they might take the opportunity to accuse you of not preparing well enough or essentially claiming superiority by announcing they have never had any problem at all with nervousness. They will have zero empathy.
#9 – The Lack of Drama Test
If you refuse to react to a narcissist’s words with admiration, fear, or anger, they will become bored with you. They need you to “supply” drama. They may try harder to get you to react. You must be careful not to continue to refuse to react if it raises their anger to a level that might be dangerous for you.
#10 – The Sharing Attention Test
Narcissists crave being the focus of everyone’s attention. Their favorite topic of conversation is themself. They will always try to steer the conversation toward themself. They will be very disinterested when another person is talking. [However, when talking to you individually in the initial phase, I have heard they will be attentive to you, in order to learn about you for future use. Look for their need for being the main attraction when they are in a group.]
#11 – The Willingness to Apologize Test
Someone who wants to think of themself as faultless would find it unthinkable that they ever need to apologize. A real apology would be very rare. Instead, they would probably frame your need for an apology as unjustified, make some excuse for their offense, or try to make you question your memory of what happened.
#12 – The Alluring Promises Test
The attention a narcissist paid to know more about you in the beginning pays off when they can promise you just what you would love. Tell them something you strongly desire in life. If you say you love to travel, they might say they would love to take you to Paris someday. If you
dream of having a family, they might tell you how much they love children—even if they don’t. These promises are often given during the “love-bombing” stage.
#13 – The Empathy Test
Tell them about a really bad day you had. A narcissist will lack any emotional empathy. Your distress is merely an inconvenience that distracts from the attention they crave. They might offer a quick, inadequate, insincere word of comfort, then try to steal the attention back by “one-uping” you. They may blame you for your problem or be disgusted that you are being so “needy.”
#14 – The Recounting a Past Disagreement Test
A narcissist will probably deny or distort the facts of a past event, even though you clearly remember it doesn’t match their account. They might even imply that you’re crazy.
#15 – The Opposing Team Test
Pay attention if they get other people involved in your conflicts. Narcissists use “flying monkeys” (named after the flying monkeys the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz used to accomplish evil). Narcissists convince mutual friends and family members that they are the victim and you are guilty of offenses. You will feel like the narcissist and flying monkeys are “ganging up” on you, and you will feel alone. [It is said that narcissists may even spread something that is completely false. The “flying monkeys” may not confront you. You may just suddenly notice that they are behaving differently toward you.]
The fodmapeveryday.com article concludes with a disclaimer that it is not meant to replace professional consultation and is the opinion of the author, derived from research and information that is available to the public. Some of the negative characteristics for which the FODMAP article recommends that you test may be concealed in the early phases of the relationship. Take any romantic relationship very
slowly. It is commonly known that narcissists will often try to rush you into a serious relationship. In the “love-bombing” phase, they will do everything they can to make you think that a marriage to them would be a “marriage made in heaven”—if you are responding to them
the way they want you to. Someone who is falling in love with you will naturally want to spend a lot of time with you, may give you a gift now and then, and will probably tell you what they like about you. But an over-the-top amount of flattery and extravagant gifts and wanting you to devote all your spare time to being with them (to the exclusion of friends and family) isn’t normal.
Seeking Counsel
A narcissist may not reveal all of these traits, especially at the beginning. All of us may show some of these traits now and then. But if the person with whom you are beginning a relationship shows a number of these traits pretty consistently, proceed with caution. Perhaps you can seek counsel. However, the person(s) you seek for counsel must have a deep understanding of narcissism.
By all means, don’t decide to continue a relationship with a narcissist, thinking that with some loving guidance you can change them. It is well documented that it is very, very rare that a narcissist will ever change. If you need to be convinced of that, you can watch a 10-minute video by Lise Leblanc explaining “7 Reasons Why Narcissists Won’t Change” which you will find at the end of this article. I watched a video by a psychotherapist by the name of Ross Rosenberg, addressing why you should never try to do the rest of the world a favor and reveal the true nature of the narcissist that has been pursuing a relationship with you. I am not familiar with any of Rosenberg’s other recommendations, but what he says on that subject certainly seems to make sense. He said that“taking off a narcissist’s mask” feels to them like you are killing them. They will go to any lengths to prevent the revelation of their true self. They will do anything to discredit you. He said it’s like a regular person off the street trying to fight a prize fighter. Narcisssists are experts at destroying other people.
Walking Away
Rosenberg says that instead of trying to remove the mask of the narcissist, you should just “quietly walk away.” If you bore them by not
responding the way they want you to, they might be happy to ditch you. And don’t harbor resentment. Rosenberg says that harboring resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. What a great way to put it! There is disagreement on what causes narcissism. Some say it is a personality type people are born with or that it’s caused by childhood trauma. Because of the way the Bible refers to characteristics of narcissism, I believe that it is something acquired by making wrong decisions about how to handle life. It is said that actions lead to habits and habits lead to character. I found a very enlightening article derived from Scriptures that imparts wisdom about interacting with narcissists. The article was written by Shaneen Megji and is entitled “7 Insightful Proverbs from the Bible on How to Deal with Narcissists.”
Photo by Hoi An and Da Nang Photographer
Seek Wisdom From Christ
If you are a follower of Christ, you will want to follow the advice of Scriptures and ask God to help you to have wisdom. Perhaps we should not be surprised at the prevalence of narcissism. II Timothy 3: 1-7 says this: “But know this: that in the last days [the period from Christ’s first coming to earth until He returns] grievous times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, not lovers of the good, traitors, headstrong, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding a form of godliness but having denied its power. Turn away from these, also. For some of these are people who creep into houses and take captive gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.” [World English Bible] “Having a form of godliness” would seem to indicate that we can expect that there are some embedded in churches. The Bible teaches us to be very careful to guard our hearts.
Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23 [World English Bible]
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